:: reader k ::

Friday, September 30, 2005

it's toxic in the long run

sometimes people choose to believe
what they think they'd known,
what they think they'd seen.

and in a state of desperation,
when they can't seem to find
a better solution,
a better reason
to accept the truth,
they made up their own.

i'd experienced that
in my younger years.
i shut off words
that i don't want to hear
people i don't want to see
or care about.
am suspicious of people's intention,
cynical of their concern,
totally ignorant of what should be done.
not knowing that
i was not alone.

i cling onto false belief,
as that gives me comfort (temporary)
but brought along deeper hurt
i didn't expect.
i ignore advice,
hurt my loved ones.
i just wanted to leave
everyone who cares,
for someone who doesn't anymore.

even that last desperation
trip, i failed.
i didn't manage to leave.
instead
i have more doubts,
more unresolved equations,
totally unncessary.

no one was to be blame,
not even him.
he had already done enough,
said enough,
given enough.
i just wanted more,
not realising it's toxic
in the long run.

i was glad,
he had taken the alternative.
cruel it may be,
it helped me
moved on.

the only sweetness
he left for me
was
"to be happy".

it's hard to accept.

9 years now.
at times i still bump into him.

live for yourself,
not him.

reader k | 9/30/2005 12:26:00 PM | 0 comments

blur.me

i wrote the following in English,
translated it to French,
and _ j _ translated back to English.
A ever commented that
i should try translating it back and forth
many times,
and see if the meaning changes.

text.
powerful tool.
we use it to clear misunderstandings,
we use it to confuse more things.

then again,
i really don't care

the gist of it is still there.

............................................................

necessitating the latter
in the urgency they are here.
but I have no times for them.
this frustrates.
more than I want to be unaware of,
more it complicates things.
stop them.
now now.
................................................

reader k | 9/30/2005 12:07:00 AM | 3 comments

Thursday, September 29, 2005

rheme

as isobel watched the smoke goes up,
it cleared into a view of
a bleak and desolate landscape.

somehow,
some things became clearer.

if only a discussion would arose,
they would then see
the clearer picture too.

she thought hard.

no one would be blinded by words.

appetizer
main course
dessert
how'd he stomached all that,
she wondered.
the idea of having all that
at one time
was repugnant to isobel.
she can only take one bite.

throwing up.
re-route the link.
repeated process.

"do you think i'm clueless?"
isobel asked rhetorically.

and he went
blank.

isobel chose to be.
clueless.

_________ __ ___
___ ___ _________
_____ _______ ____
__ ___________ ___

reader k | 9/29/2005 07:20:00 PM | 0 comments

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

i am here

there
i said it.
i am here.
i am always here.

i am here
listening to you
talking to you
thinking for you,
for you,
not of you.

unresolved,
you said.
it will be,
but no one knows when.
not getting anywhere.

say what they want to hear.
your commitments to them.

no obligations with me.
none.
perhaps that's the relief;
the delight;
the other end of the rainbow.
the non-existence of
the obsession you wanted
from me.

i am here.
just here.
that is the only obsession.

argh.

there?

reader k | 9/28/2005 11:44:00 PM | 0 comments

so, what are you thinking?

what's in the bag
may reveal what's in the head,
at times.

so,

what are you thinking, really?

reader k | 9/28/2005 09:33:00 PM | 1 comments

losing isobel

delighted,
isobel skipped round the _________
only to find _______ slowly fading away.

she waited.

she lost the time.

she lost _______.
and ______ and _______

still,
she skipped round the _________
in anticipation of ________.

out of sight,
out of sound.

*i may need this in the future.

reader k | 9/28/2005 12:27:00 AM | 1 comments

it sounds positive

there are more stars
in some places than
others.

aren't we all sharing
the same sky?

the sky must be tired,
being shared by all.

reader k | 9/28/2005 12:21:00 AM | 0 comments

Sunday, September 25, 2005

anne sexton and YOU

mad.
so,
anne sexton (1928 - 1974)
was said to be mad.

she uses figurative language
in her works.
the poet's "YOU".

"poems of the inner life
can reach the inner lives of readers
in a way that
anti-war poems
can never stop a war."

anne sexton

reader k | 9/25/2005 08:18:00 PM | 0 comments

nahnah-elephant

dear nah nah drew me this elephant.
love it.
love her.

reader k | 9/25/2005 01:21:00 PM | 0 comments

Saturday, September 24, 2005

happy meal

she heard every word,
music to the ears.
isobel is making breakfast

once again.

he is eating now.
he ate so much at breakfast,
that he skipped lunch.

she can't make dinner,
she had to be at somewhere else.

but he told isobel
he'd make something she wants.

"fried rice" she said.

reader k | 9/24/2005 02:05:00 AM | 1 comments

Thursday, September 22, 2005

weird wednesday

my phone was recovered today.
the content are lost.

now i have 2.
i shall have spare.

what a silly case.

what are they thinking inside?
i shall open to check the brain.
then again, would i bother?

it felt like a ransom's been paid
and he came back.

the elephants are gone.

------------------------------------------

i love
the stars tonight.
do you melt?

reader k | 9/22/2005 01:20:00 AM | 2 comments

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

playground love - an idea shared

"playground love" was my idea,
inspired by your writings.
i shared it with you.

please do not share with someone else.
please.

someone had stolen my spoons,
another had stolen my phone.
don't let yet another,
stole what i have shared
with you.

please.

reader k | 9/20/2005 11:01:00 PM | 5 comments

comments on "lapse" is so ice-creamy

5 Comments:
serenah said...
so did you get the ice cream or not???
11:25 PM

k said...
such flavour does not exist anymore.
11:27 PM

serenah said...
:(
2:20 AM

Liam said...
i, too, am curious about the procurement of ice-cream...
4:05 AM

k said...
i was looking for the ice-cream for someone who meant a lot to me. ice-cream have extinct, it seems.
4:09 AM

reader k | 9/20/2005 01:37:00 AM | 1 comments

so so mad

k is mad today.

reader k | 9/20/2005 01:33:00 AM | 0 comments

Monday, September 19, 2005

i am so bloody pissed

pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed

pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed
pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed

i am so bloody pissed.

reader k | 9/19/2005 09:50:00 PM | 0 comments

he left without saying goodbye

an hour and a half ago,
i was still with him.

when my lesson was done,
he was gone too.
without saying goodbye.

i didn't realised the attachement
i had with him
have built up over these times,
to be this strong.
i felt unsure,
lost,
lost.
lost.

i lost him.

------------------------------------------------

as for you,
you knew my handphone was stolen,
i am without a phone.
yet you messaged to ask me to go online,
because you want to talk.

i went online,
only to meet with your moodswings.
you asked me to fuck off,
you left without saying goodbye.

-------------------------------------------------

what is fucking wrong today??
ARGH!

*the worst blog entry i have so far!

reader k | 9/19/2005 09:28:00 PM | 4 comments

goodbye roller coaster, hello ferris wheel

ferris wheel makes me do crazy stuffs.

when i was 22, Europe.
we took the night train
from Venice (Italy) to Vienna (Austria)
just for the giant ferris wheel.
reached there at 6.30am
and waited till the amusement park opened.
there were only 6 of us on the wheel.
the attendent amused us
by spinning each of our capsules
till we screamed.
we spinned as the wheel moves.
we catch the train to Luzern (Switzerland)
after that.

when i was 30, Genting, indoor amusment park.
i bought a whole day pass.
when i am not at the casinos or eating,
i sat on the ferris wheel.
for countless rounds.

tonight, the big field in the heartland.
i illegally-parked my car,
walked onto the muddy field,
paid $7.50 for the ride.
the air was cool,
the moon was close by and bright,
the stars were not there though.

i thought more about today's ride.
finally i'm on it.
no more roller coasters,
they are so passe.
your message came in the right time.
we should not be on the roller coasters
anymore.
there were no stars,
but there were your words.
thankyou.

reader k | 9/19/2005 01:25:00 AM | 3 comments

Sunday, September 18, 2005

damage was done

isobel prepared the breakfast.
he said he wanted none,
and went back to munching his ego.
she held the butter knife tight in her hand.
the raspberry jam stained her hand,
her blood staind the knife.

a pool of red
reflected in her eyes.

isobel walked away.
she set the alarm clock
so that she can wake up from this moment.

she sank into a deep sleep,
and she heard a voice.

The stars crashed the cars
says:
"sorry to have hurt you,
nothing i could do really,
the damage was done,
can't be undone.
thanks."

she snapped at the buzzing alarm clock,
with her hand still bleeding.

with a heavy head,
an aching heart,
isobel wandered off.
she stopped reading.

she found a book
which she wrote, years ago.
on the side of the spine,
she had used a dark pen
and written:
my life is because of you.
that was for R.
she was isobel's best friend.
was.

when she stopped her wandering,
she recalled.
all as sadly said,
the cruelty surpasses
all love, all faith, all belief.

she placed the breakfast
once again.
he said maybe.

now do you know?

reader k | 9/18/2005 04:02:00 AM | 1 comments

Saturday, September 17, 2005

day tripper

i took a trip today.
alone.
just want to drive
to as far as possible.
for as long as possible.

reader k | 9/17/2005 09:08:00 PM | 4 comments

Friday, September 16, 2005

drunk

left alone to drink the sadness.
i was drunk.

"your eyes are red"
someone said.

"must be the air-con"
came the reply.

the stars did not turn up,
thus the moon hide behind the clouds.

reader k | 9/16/2005 11:25:00 PM | 1 comments

lapse

after a lapse (n) of 2 secs,
the smoke went up.
i watched it.

somehow, i have allowed
this sweet revelation
to lapse (v).

i lapsed (v) into silence
when i saw him.
inevitably.

unsaid words,
damaged done, both ways.

an white-elephant attempt.
----------------------------------------------

was at the petrol kiosk
waiting to pay.
stood beside the ice-cream box.
the realisation of me looking into it,
searching for cornetto mocha,
struck me speechless;
not that there's anyone to tell it to.

a dumbo-elephant discovery.

reader k | 9/16/2005 11:16:00 PM | 5 comments

Thursday, September 15, 2005

something mundane

was asked to write
something about A,
for a profile write-up by
his students.

a paragraph on his profession
or
something personal
or
something seriously bizarre.

i said:
"Alex doesn't jay-walk"

reader k | 9/15/2005 11:12:00 PM | 0 comments

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

teenage fan club

if only there is such interferon
against teenage fan club.

a cup of black coffee,
2 hours of talk with you.

and i realised,
he began to have such bad taste
in music,
in views of ideas,
in thoughts,
in words,
in choices of companies,
and perhaps more,
which i can't bear to discover.

i fear for him.
for i began to outcast him.
i have an outline drawn,
to be protected against this disease
of bad-taste.
the stark truth is that
i am leaving him.

this discovery appalled me.
i have to take a rest,
have therapy of any sort,
to rid this kafkaesque disappointment.

now now no longer.
then,
it shall be.

goodbye.

reader k | 9/14/2005 12:05:00 PM | 0 comments

café et cigarettes

nécessitant ces derniers dans l'urgence
ils sont ici.
mais je n'ai aucun temps pour eux.

ceci frustre.
plus que je veux pour ignorer,
plus il complique des choses.

arrêtez-les.
maintenant maintenant.

reader k | 9/14/2005 09:46:00 AM | 9 comments

it crashes my system without fail

some noise
broke into my senses.
childish they may seem,
still,
it pisses me off.

i know you've tried.
thanks.
i appreciate it,
totally.
don't bother to try.

you will get tired one day.
you will die one day.
definitely.

you're not a possession.
not a prize.

just be yourself.
and be happy.

now now.

reader k | 9/14/2005 01:21:00 AM | 0 comments

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

AVION

(taken from nahnah's blog. permission granted)

AVION (aeroplane in french)

Appareil .......... machine
Volant ............. flying
Imitant ............. imitating
Oiseau ............ bird
Naturel ........... natural

reader k | 9/13/2005 10:47:00 PM | 2 comments

the 3% and me

me with the 3% at Coffee Bean West Mall

reader k | 9/13/2005 01:34:00 AM | 1 comments

ennui

how exciting is going back to school
after a week's break?

the excitement started
when i've over-slept for 45 minutes.
drove madly to school.
made it.

the rest of the day?
i don't even want to remember it,
because it is ennui.

met 3% of the gang later
in the night.
crap over my quiche and pina colada.
end it off with a photo.

sped home.

there,
monday.

not about you.

reader k | 9/13/2005 12:56:00 AM | 0 comments

Sunday, September 11, 2005

seriously, i am happy

"i am happy
me
of you blogging"

your words at times sent ideas
for me to audaciously trespass the turf,
and that is true.

but,

i can't think much today.
too chaotic.

reader k | 9/11/2005 10:45:00 PM | 0 comments

have a seat

imperfect winners

in other words,
perfect losers.

when this second becomes better than the last,
i thought i have won.
your words at times sent ideas
for me to audaciously trespass the turf,
just like your hands,
sweaty,
at times.

and it has nothing to do with anything.

i should never be able
to come to a conclusion.

i lost.

here,
have a seat.

reader k | 9/11/2005 11:52:00 AM | 2 comments

the COBF who flies an aeroplane

strange that most people would think
of the most negative answer
to my question posted.

Question:
how do you feel when a creepy obsessive boyfriend
flies an aeroplane?

Answers:
crashed,
turbulance,
dizzy and nauseous.

maybe i forgot to mention that
he is a pilot.

so,
i would feel
that he has decided not to
take my car,
so,
he flies an aeroplane.

and the next question is:
why wouldn't he take my car?

reader k | 9/11/2005 04:21:00 AM | 1 comments

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Q&A

Question:
How do you feel when a creepy obsessive boyfriend
flies an aeroplane?

Answer:
_________________________________________

reader k | 9/10/2005 09:04:00 PM | 4 comments

the day he fainted

ok,
a little purple here,
and,
maybe a patch of orange there.
definitely the browns here.
what else?
hmmm...
the greens all around should do,
but with different shades.
green, dark green, darker green,
light green, lighter green...
hey, no maroon!
ok, red will do.

then what else?

too many colours...
his eyes can't take it
his breathing went rapid
he can't hear anyone talking

he dropped onto the floor.

fainted.
too many colours.

reader k | 9/10/2005 01:11:00 PM | 4 comments

Friday, September 09, 2005

metamorphose

it's changed.
not you,
totally unlike you.

i can't find traces
of you.
i can't find the first poem
you wrote for me.
"exhibiting, butterfly"

and yes,
the caterpillar will eventually
metamorphose into
a butterfly.
and we missed
the morning glory.

reader k | 9/09/2005 09:34:00 PM | 0 comments

potluck

had a potluck in school
with some kids after art and d&t remedial.

i have to cook my food the night before
because i know i will be busy in the day,
while the kids get to cook in the home-ed kitchen.
so much fun.

someone said i got my maid to cook for me.
i didn't even know i have a maid!
here's the evidence of me cooking then. haha.

the ingredients

my cooking companion

so you think this is a better onion?

pre-heating the oven

the most tedious job- removing the shit from the prawns!

my little helper is tired

all ready for the spices!

can't open the olive oil!

tumeric, paprika and basil

into the oven now

there you are

reader k | 9/09/2005 04:13:00 PM | 0 comments

"who's afraid of mrs m"

lifted this from h.s.' blog.
my girlfriend j

who's afraid of mrs m
(for girlfriend k)
i'm afraid of mrs m
because she loves too many people
i'm afraid of mrs m
because she's always right
i'm afraid of mrs m
if she doesn't put on more weight
i'm afraid of mrs m
there is so much hope about her
i'm afraid of mrs m
she frowns at my amusements

but i might not be afraid
to love mrs m
if she believes she's happy

posted by helen at 3:27 AM 2 comments

reader k | 9/09/2005 02:30:00 PM | 1 comments

Thursday, September 08, 2005

bright, real bright

i was told i looked real bright today.

i asked what it meant.
no reply.

so i checked my dictionary.

bright:
1) full of light; shining strongly
2) (of a colour) strong and easy to see
3) cheerful and lively
4) intelligent
5) giving reason to believe that good things will happen

------------------------------------------------------
i picked up something dear along old jurong road.
spontaneous,
totally unplanned.
surprisingly pleasant.

by late mid-day,
it's gone.
the presence still linger.
cool.

reader k | 9/08/2005 10:05:00 PM | 0 comments

everlasting youth

how not to feel young and do crazy stuffs?

reader k | 9/08/2005 09:40:00 PM | 0 comments

you

relieved.
that is you today.

happy.
i hope that is you too.

tired.
definitely you.

cute.
yes, you.

a day.
with you.

reader k | 9/08/2005 04:22:00 AM | 0 comments

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

"like a creepy obsessive boyfriend"

after a while,
the lights dimmed,
you are no longer under the spot-light.

the chatters are gone,
the on-lookers are gone.

your troubles are gone.

today i saw a phrase:
"like a creepy obsessive boyfriend"
i thought,
can you be that?
you are never there.
i am always here.

you did not ask me,
anymore,
- how i felt.

you tell me,
- how you felt,
- how she felt.

i listen.
to the words i can't utter,
i can only listen.

"like a creepy obsessive boyfriend"
i wear it close
to my heart.

reader k | 9/07/2005 02:16:00 AM | 0 comments

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

the day i wasn't there

so many people asked about it.
i re-told A's fainting incident,
so many times,
that i am an expert at it,
now.

i wasn't even there
when he fainted.

i wasn't there.

reader k | 9/06/2005 03:08:00 PM | 4 comments

in contemplation

he can go live with his flu,
i shall go buy my shoe.
i bid him a fond adieu.

reader k | 9/06/2005 02:38:00 AM | 2 comments

Monday, September 05, 2005

walking spinning

went through coursework day
with a spinning headache.
i seemed so high,
it's because i was spinning
inside.

made it a point to stop,
and not over-stayed.
made it a point to have lunch,
and not skipping it.
am proud of myself for accomplishing
two of that today.

this week,
i'm not sure how many have said
i've lost weight.
i should be happy,
any girl would love to appear having lost weight,
but i am not.
it's painful to remember
why i couldn't eat.

happy message for today:
"M & N -
my favourite coco haha.
thanks for the counselling! :) "

thank YOU
for the lime juice
and the time spent.

reader k | 9/05/2005 07:34:00 PM | 2 comments

highschool drunkenbee, art school fantasy

Saw B and G briefly
at Zouk.
i gave G a hug,
he is looking much much better,
i'm so glad.
we didn't say much,
i'm just so happy to see them both,
not planned,
but we knew we would find
each other there.

i missed B's call
while i was driving.
somehow, i knew,
they were there.

my cheesepies bunnies.
they always made me realised,
that i still have a life,
outside school.

reader k | 9/05/2005 01:34:00 AM | 0 comments

the aftermath

tsunami came,
and an island was swept away.
the party was over,
but the people were still there.
upset,
depressed,
angry,
lost,
neutral.
a mixture of feelings,
we cannot control.
we are humans,
afterall.

but we must moved on.

everything needs to be rebuild
from scratch.
back to before,
and maybe better.

i was here,
i am still here.
you went for a tumble-dry
after getting wet in the waves.
now you are back.

i don't fancy roller-coaster rides.
i love the ferris wheel,
where you go up high,
so that you are nearer,
to the stars.

reader k | 9/05/2005 12:38:00 AM | 0 comments

impromtu rendezvous 040905

thankyou for
the laughter,
the crap,
the serious talk,
the coffee.

reader k | 9/05/2005 12:34:00 AM | 1 comments

Sunday, September 04, 2005

un-tagged

check the marker before you use.
you don't want to be using
a permanent marker
if you are not going to mean something
permanently.

it's hard to commit completely,
everything in life
comes with an expiry date.

so far,
my patient for you still runs true.
i must have forgotten to tag
an expiry date to it.

i'm surprised,
you could hear, through the phone,
that my tears would fall,
any seconds now.
it was strange to know.
thankyou.

reader k | 9/04/2005 03:18:00 AM | 0 comments

Friday, September 02, 2005

nightmare

it's like:

wearing your pajamas inside-out
and went to school,
where you write
with an almost-no-ink marker,
on the board,
something you shouldn't have.

nightmare.
wake up!
wake up!
wake up!

i want to get down from the roller-coaster!!!!

reader k | 9/02/2005 11:05:00 PM | 0 comments

Thursday, September 01, 2005

give them a break

there are times when we are totally into some things,
we stubbornly choose to see things from one perspective,
we lost our mind,
and the ability to accept other possible concerns.

B and i shared the longest friendship.
he saw me from a young art student
to an art teacher now.
he also saw me through all my relationships
till i got married.
thinking back now,
it's amusing.
B was totally fretful when he first knew
about me and L together.
i remembered we were together for just a few days,
B called me one night
(there was no such thing as sms, msn, icq at all, just plain house phones)
and said that he needs to talk to me the next day,
after class.
i met him,
he was all quiet.
he walked,
i followed.
till the school gate.
he hailed a cab and we got in.
i was scared.
what was it that we have to travel to somewhere to talk?
he was quiet all the way.
we went to a cafe, near the old BlackJack.
we ordered our drinks.
i dare not say a word.
he was unhappy, i can tell.
with me and L, i supposed.
finally he told.
he was.
because he thinks L is a jerk.
he was concern.
he was afraid i would get hurt.
he said it all.
i cannot bring myself to accept his comments,
about L,
because i love L.
B wants me to be happy,
and he cares.
the conversation ended there.
without arguments,
just doubts,
and bitterness.

6 months later,
L and i fell out.

B was there.
he was concern,
he was waiting for me
to cry my heart out.
L was a jerk.

i wouldn't say B was right,
he just happened to see things from a different way,
and he was a true friend to tell me.
i didn't see it his way then.
the important thing was,
he did not leave me.
he stayed on and waited,
and when i fell,
he caught me.

now we see lesser of each other,
but when we do,
i just love bitching with him,
love going shopping with him,
love hearing his crap comments about books and movies,
love loving him.

happy teachers' day, B!

reader k | 9/01/2005 10:45:00 PM | 0 comments

words

finally spoke to W
and we realised how sad it was.
we both felt the same towards G.
we both didn't know what to say to him.
how to say "we understand how you feel"?
all crap.
then is it alright to feel ok
just because there are two of us
feeling the same way?
i think not.
i think we both felt worse.

---------------------------------------------------------------

what is the thing about "words"?
about reading words.

"what did you say?" means so much.
"you exist." means more than the 2 small words.

my dictionary beside me,
meant a whole story
that had happened.

---------------------------------------------------------------

teaching keith haring to the kids.
read his pictures, kids.
read what it says.
taught them about
observation,
analysation,
interpretation.
they told a story, with K.H's pictures.
words confused them.

made a boy stand on the table,
and i asked the class,
to shout out what they think,
seeing the boy standing on the table.

"he is being punished"
"he wants to be taller"
"he is naughty"

and i see eyes light up.
they got it.

----------------------------------------------------------

"Varying Degrees of Hopelessness"
Lucy Ellmann

Paris in the Spring: IV

Pol wasn't sure why, but she found she fancied Splutters in Paris. His predatory air turned her on in the new surroundings. Instead of looking at paintings, she watched his progress with women. At supper that night she sat by him. She needed something to entertain her. She was tired of Syms's arrogance. She was tired of watching Isabel and Robert making eyes at each other. She put a hand between Splutters' thighs and whispered in his rather hirsute ear, "Don't you know I bloody fancy you? What the fuck are you going to do about it?"

Splutters chocked and was led away somewhere by one of the waiters. Pol proceeded to eat his rognons, which he had ordered by accident, having tried to say oignons. His accent was not what it had been.

reader k | 9/01/2005 03:35:00 PM | 0 comments

what would i say to that?

quiet morning.
it's a day off.

the other day W left a msg for me,
saying G is very sick after the medication kicks in.
i was busy running around,
glanced at the message on my screen,
it hurts me to see those words.
i didn't click it off.
i ran away, for work was calling.
i came back,
the words are still there.
how i wished his pain can be removed,
if i click off the message box.
if only i can do that for him.
i didn't know what to say to W.

after a long while,
when i returned to the screen,
the words are still there, but W is offline.
i thought about calling G,
to ask him how he's holding.
and then what?
what can i do to make him better?
or feel better?
so lost.

i hope he is better now.

i told my students to "seize the day"
after watching DPS.
i am thinking of myself,
not able to do it.
i don't know why it is
difficult.

i hope he is better now.

friends for 13 years,
now i don't know what to say to him.
maybe just a "are you ok?"
will do?

what if the answer is
"i'm getting worse"?
what would i say
to that?

reader k | 9/01/2005 12:19:00 AM | 0 comments