Saturday, December 31, 2005

over hang

30th dec 2005

slept at 5am, awoke at 10am.
lunch at 1pm with alex k and say.
we talked shop, crap, old skool.
we ate pizza and bake rice.
they gave me an enchanting christmas tree.
we promised to meet up more often.
next up, say’s birthday, my birthday, alex k’s birthday
april, may.


say . karen . alexk - accidental friends for 10 years, so said say.

home at 3pm.
messages and calls of crisis here and there.
dealing and dressing happened at the same time.
i can only do so much for you guys.


on the road at 6pm.
picked up des and wilson.
escorted by the 2 darlings to the hotel.

in room 1019 by 6.30pm.
forced clair to get dressed and pop everyone down to the prom.




7pm to forgotten-the-time
seated between the pulau ubin D&T brothers,
we ate, talked, laughed, laughed, laughed.
art and D&T, awarded outstanding as a team.
- more awards, more money, yes, more work.
clicking away, smiling till your jaws break.

in-betweens:
the absence, the presence, the invisible.
some choose to pay and not come
some choose to pay and came
some didn’t pay me for paying for them, but came
some choose to pay and came and be transparent
whatever it is, am happy to see them.

1am 31st dec 2005
off to 7-11 for purchase of booze.

1.10am to 4am
abandoned crisis in the room.
we shifted to the lobby.
talked, talked, talked.
laughed it all in the end.
packed des, wil, clair and suet in my car.

4.30am
prata and drinks at bt timah.
CK joined in.
ate, talked, laughed more more.
strangely, wil has left-over smoke in his mouth.




6am
dropping the tired souls home.
from bt timah to bt batok to jurong
and back to bt panjang.

6.30am
ended up at 24hours mcdonalds with des and wil.
another round of coffee and tea.
another round of talks.
another round of laughs.




7.30am
attempted home.
drop off wil and finally, des.

8am
finally, home.
A was awake to listen to my story-telling.
2 hours later, he left for lesson,
I collapsed in bed.

last note:
bliss with my ladies and gentlemen, and we are not sorry for the one who left us.






reader k | 12/31/2005 05:37:00 PM | 2 comments
Thursday, December 29, 2005

evilness


some evil person stole A's Switch card
and stole thousands of pounds from the account in UK.
the bank had better answer for its negligence.

meanwhile, my year-end wish for this evil person:
be blinded by the glasses he has made at Optical Express, get electricuted by the appliances he had purchased at Dixons with the stolen money; be poisoned by the groceries and food he had ate from Sainsbury and Tesco; and die in a car crash while driving in his car filled with petrol from ASDA. happy last new year to him!

---------------------------------------------------------

the resolution for you:
there should be no bitterness.
words been said, deeds been done. period.

FINALLY! - now that is nice.

reader k | 12/29/2005 12:53:00 PM | 4 comments

desmond is 17

meow's birthday on the 23rd dec.
we met up on the 27th dec.
was great to see them!



reader k | 12/29/2005 11:30:00 AM | 0 comments
Wednesday, December 28, 2005

mimi pinson

helen gave me a mimi pinson watch.
my yellow bag is wearing it,
together with the red bird charm
which she was hoping i'll give to her.
i didn't.
i gave her an antique key.
key to there.

she will find it.

i am still here.



reader k | 12/28/2005 09:56:00 PM | 4 comments

helen asked | k says

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

what happens
when you believe someone
too late
posted by helen at 7:17 AM

1 Comments:
k said...
you say "fuck" a million times in your head
10:32 AM

reader k | 12/28/2005 02:32:00 AM | 0 comments

finding spaces

where is the right place
to fit the void, the nagative, the gap?

it starts to deteriorate.
(we will never deteriorate?? as if!)

it happens when you start to believe,
then it decays.
then it becomes the void,
stuck there.

and a _gap_ on the shelf.

you borrowed the book
and forgot to return.
it became yours, forever.
i don't even remember the title.

i want to own a bookshop
i want to be like bernard black
i want to only take, and not give
i want to be mean

donnez-moi une librairie
laissez-moi être bernard black
dites-moi de prendre seulement, et pour ne pas donner
enseignez-moi à être moyen

it can happen.






reader k | 12/28/2005 01:59:00 AM | 2 comments
Tuesday, December 27, 2005

arab street to gallery hotel


reader k | 12/27/2005 02:48:00 AM | 0 comments

fabu-less

all, but missing fabien




reader k | 12/27/2005 02:43:00 AM | 0 comments
Monday, December 26, 2005

pick one


reader k | 12/26/2005 02:00:00 AM | 8 comments

inspiration



n. noon coda
Bedtime Stories, 1996
Mixed media on found hardbound books
Twenty-four elements Overall 63 x 74 x 8 inches
(link)

reader k | 12/26/2005 12:55:00 AM | 0 comments
Sunday, December 25, 2005

i love bernard black



Bernard Black is the foul tempered, eccentric and drink-fuelled proprietor of a grubby bookshop, Black Books.
Bernard is grumpy, very grumpy. He doesn't quite belong in this world and has created a sanctuary within the confines of the shop, preferring the company of books to people. Not that he sells many books. He loves them too much and doesn't love his customers enough. In fact he hates them. In fact he hates everyone except Fran and Manny.
It is only through the persistent intervention of his companions, Manny and Fran, that Bernard is persuaded to engage in any kind of social interaction at all (if you don't count drinking). Without them, he would undoubtedly collapse in a self-combusting pool of vitriol.
If you're an outgoing, life affirming, zest-filled, warm human being, stay away from Bernard Black. He will be mean to you.

reader k | 12/25/2005 02:42:00 PM | 0 comments
Saturday, December 24, 2005

your locked drawer

it states a piece of memory from the past, for you.
you'd think.

like prizes won,
you put every goodness that was not given lightly,
every love,
every heartache,
every attention,
of ours to you,
in that drawer.
and you lock it safe.
(it sounds fantastic)

you hold the key
to a drawer,
that keeps all the meaningless.
the moment they are kept in there,
they lose their meaning.
(and you deny it)

when you ran out of reason and ability to love,
when you get devoured by distraction,
you shove the love given to you into the drawer.
(a form of escapism)

it is good enough for you
that you have been loved once.
but unknowingly,
you'd be meaningless for life.
of course you don't care,
because we are only the past of your life.

you have no answers for yourself.

with your collection of prizes,
you may think you're doing better each time.
but it is only a vicious circle you are living in.
you can't escape.

soon,
your present devotion shall be
a prize you'd think you've won,
kept in the locked drawer,
forever losing its meaning.




reader k | 12/24/2005 02:04:00 PM | 3 comments
Friday, December 23, 2005

so i said, 'hey merry christmas!'

how amazing that one can relax with a 2-weeks holiday but tired all out with a 19 hours car-bus-plane-taxi trip to get home.

i watched 3 movies, 2 hours of comedy and played hours of games, ate 2 meals, took 4 toilet breaks and slept for 1 hour. it took just 2 mins to get through the Singapore custom compared to the 30 mins we had at London. Don't take Singapore airport for granted.

most importantly, we got home.
house to dust, laundry to do. holiday is over.
finally gave in to jet-lag,
i collapsed.

the best stuffs i got from this trip are not the clothes, bags and shoes i've bought. instead, i think it's how glad i am to have alex for pre-during-post trip.
seeing my 2 favourite oldest persons - granny and uncle roy, i reminded myself to have to always be happy.


homely christmas dinner


the sweet granny is still strong and full of jokes


the ever-so-charming uncle roy


expect warm breakfast prepared for you when you are with alex


the friendly cat that came meowing to say hi


taking a walk and fresh air along the old dirt road


the animals are friendly. didn't meet any children


the graveyard is a very calming place


long night, short day. catching the sun while it lasts


bournemouth beach. tony used to surf here when young. now he's catching bigger waves in spain


one of the best soups of the trip - pea, ham and rice


snowman made by the public libraby


sandwich, soup and crisp, prepared by alex, eaten by me


reader k | 12/23/2005 07:20:00 PM | 8 comments
Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Es muss sein! Muss es sein?

From 'The Unberable Lightness of Being'
by milan kundera
part 5: lightness and weight


... a certain Dembscher owed Beethoven fifty florins, and when the composer, who was chronically short of funds, reminded him of the debt, Dembscher heaved a mournful sigh and said,'Muss es sein?' To which Beethoven replied, with a hearty laugh,'Es muss sein!' and immediately jotted down these words and their melody. On this realistic motif he then composed a canon for four voices:three voices sing 'Es muss sein, es muss sein, ja ja ja ja!'(It must be, it must be, yes, yes, yes, yes!) and the fourth voice chimes in with 'Heraus mit dem Beutel!' (Out with the purse!).

A year later, the same motif showed up as the basis for the fourth movement of the last quartet, Opus 135. By that time, Beethoven had forgotten about Dembscher's purse. The words 'Es muss sein!' had acquired a much more solemn ring; they seemed to issue directly from the lips of Fate. In Kant's language, even 'Good morning', suitably pronounced, can take the shape of a metaphysical thesis. German is a language of heavy words. 'Es muss sein!' was no longer a joke; it had become 'der schwer gefasste Entschluss' (the difficult or weighty resolution).

So Beethoven turned a frivolous inspiration into a serious quartet, a joke into metaphysical truth. It is an interesting tale of light going to heavy or, as Parmenides would have it, positive going to negative. Yet oddly enough, the transformation fails to surprise us. We would have been shocked, on the other hand, if Beethoven had transformed the seriousness of his quartet into the trifling joke of a four-voice canon about Dembscher's purse. Had he not done so, however, he would have been in the spirit of Parmenides and made heavy go to light, that is, negative to positive! First (as an unfinished sketch) would have come the great metaphysical truth and last (as a finished masterpiece) - the most frivolous of jokes! But we no longer know how to think as Parmenides thought.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
*everytime you thought i was bored reading my book while you worked on your stuffs, and i looked up, i was re-reading the lines in my head. i looked at you because it applied to us.

reader k | 12/21/2005 12:21:00 AM | 2 comments
Tuesday, December 20, 2005

comfort food

in the movie Alice In Wonderland
they sang a song about soup.
'Beautiful Soup'

i love soup,
any food that has soup.
it comforts me.

what is your comfort food?

reader k | 12/20/2005 06:59:00 PM | 6 comments
Monday, December 19, 2005

where do we get our goodness from?

ok, sitting around reading is really nonsense and boring (no wonder mr neil a. mitchell is never here), but i sneak out once in a while for a walk just to get out. it's cold, and it's definitely better than staying indoors.

here's some pics i put up to cheer meself. :)
actually, i should really count my blessings. yes, i should.


looking at cards. kensington, london


the elephant alex and i drew at the V&A museum, london


seeing fabien is the happiest thing!


on the way to portobello market, london


mr and mrs mitchell at the park house, bournemouth


the smashing sandwich, with salad and pork pie



mr mitchell made the smashing sandwich...love it, love him



finding frost on the green grass in the morning


frost on the dandilion


4pm, the sun is setting.
walking through the park with father-in-law, kicking the dried leaves.
love this.


reader k | 12/19/2005 02:56:00 AM | 5 comments
Sunday, December 18, 2005

:(

ARGH!!!!!!
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!
SO SO SO SO UNBEARABLE!!!!!

THE COLD!
THE NONSENSE!!!!!

ARGH!

reader k | 12/18/2005 07:43:00 PM | 5 comments
Friday, December 16, 2005

mad-fake-love

There is always some madness in love.
But there is also always some reason in madness.
–Friedrich Nietzsche

i was mad.
mad-ly in love with me -
confusing needy with love.
it was fucking mad.
and totally unreal.
we were fake.

------------------------------------------------------

reader k | 12/16/2005 05:36:00 AM | 3 comments

she - illuminating

as we walked home from Susan's and Aunty Nancy's
in the cold,
carrying the turkey Susan has given to MIL for birthday,
we stopped,
and looked up in the sky.

the moon was so bright.
she illuminated the clouds
and formed a ring of rainbow around her.
it was speechlessly beautiful.

for the one moment,
i forgot the migraine i've been having today,
i forgot my freezing hands.
(because i was carrying MIL's soy milk, and didn't have my gloves on)

it didn't end there.

as i lifted my head higher,
braving the cold as my hood fell off from me head,
i saw,
little glittering filling up the whole dark sky.
the stars.

and i felt totally happy.

i came back
and immediately have to blog this in.

*phew.
felt lighter.
but my head still hurts.

reader k | 12/16/2005 05:02:00 AM | 0 comments
Wednesday, December 14, 2005

k

9 degress celcuis, EVERYDAY!
sometimes a tad better, but never good.
left london for bournemouth.
the only highlight so far was that
i saw F twice!
missed him so so so much.
a darling as such.

strange but i am not particularly
in favour of this trip as i thought i would be,
but i am most lucky then,
to be away, even if it is cold.

glad for that.

j,
thanks for that email,
the favourite of all.

CK,
thanks for the text msg,
it's going to cost you :)
yes, will meet up,
it's desmeow's birthday,
can't miss it.

love,
k

reader k | 12/14/2005 08:59:00 PM | 5 comments
Thursday, December 08, 2005

goodbye for now

so this is goodbye,
for now.

i'm not sure when i'll get onto a computer next
till i get back here.
maybe my plane will not even make it.
not kidding, we must always expect the worse.
i didn't prepare myself well enough recently for a little set-back,
and i'm down, down, down.
argh.

i managed to pack finally,
taking hours. so tiring to think about the 14 hours plane ride next,
how dry my skin will be,
how sore my body will be in those little seats (not that i'm very big size),
and how i've to endure in-flight cusine.

going to drink milk and eat my tomatoes now.
if my plane crash,
that shall be my last meal. haha, pretty healthy one too!

j,
thanks for your constant "reminder",
i needed those,
i read them like popping tranqulizers.
you are dear.

and you,
whatever.

ta, whoever you are that may be reading this.

reader k | 12/08/2005 07:27:00 PM | 2 comments

fabrics made you

clothes are important to me.
knowing how to dress well is a bonus.
one does not need to dress in designer labels or be seen in the latest fashion to qualify as well-dressed.

you should be seen in what suits you best, what makes you feel comfortable, what calls for your self-identity.

once, a friend was late to meet me, because he cannot decide what to wear. and the reason being i have seen all his clothings and he doesn't want to repeat them. i was touched to know that he cares about what i think but he should not feel uncomfortable at all. he looks best in his t-shirt and jeans. later in the day i helped him picked out a new pair of pants. he loves it so much that days later when he wore it to meet me, he text to tell me how much he loves the pants. this is how good a right clothing can make one feel.

i have a thing with uniform, especially army officers. :) but not with the tummy please. one of the guys i used to go out with wears nothing but t-shirt and shorts (he has great legs, an athlete) ALL THE TIME! so when he was finally in his officer uniform, i couldn't recognise him.

the most queer clothes experience i had was when i met up late one night with a friend, he wore pyjamas to meet me. then conveniently fell asleep in my car .

clothes dictate our actions, status, mannerism, feelings and emotions.

when i first started teaching, i was overwhelmed and depressed by the workload. taking time and effort in dressing well everyday kept me going - my highlight of the day.

shopping for girls' stuffs is indeed easier than guys', but if you bother to look hard enough, you will find wonderful stuffs.

mix and match and deconstructing your current wardrobe is an enjoyable task. you don't need to spend much cash. all you need is time and creativity and knowing what spells you.

now i need to put together my winter fashion, catching the flight to London in 11 hours' time. :) argh!



reader k | 12/08/2005 12:15:00 AM | 4 comments
Wednesday, December 07, 2005

writing and reading




i opened my first christmas present just now.
was from weiya. a sleek colourful notebook from Paperchase! sorry i just can't wait till christmas!!! but i don't know what i am going to do with it. i placed it beside this other Paperchase notebook from Cheryl one Christmas long ago. it's a purple notebook with elaborate cover. they just cheer me up. can't bear to write in them.

speaking of writing, i used to write diary since pri 3 and i have so many of them. my parents had to destroy one of them because it contained too much sad things and they don't think it's good for me. well, they happened to read that one. it was in english, i suspected my brother told them the gist of the content.

now that i blog, i don't write in books anymore.

that reminded me of my MA thesis on typography and text. electronic text VS paper and pen, handwriting. the 10 000 words did not fully explain what i really want to say about text.
how can we give it a limit at all?

if i meet you, i don't tell you much about myself, unless you ask. i will write you long letters and you shall read them, all about me and how i felt.

i don't tell you, i want you to read me like a book.
so far, in my life, few have managed to do that.
alex, julian, lek and perhaps you.
but you lost your reader membership, it seems.
that is ok.
keep the library card.



reader k | 12/07/2005 04:54:00 PM | 4 comments

untitled

time will past by so fast when you are busy with something, and you'd realised that you don't have time anymore for other stuffs you'd enjoyed, or the people you've not seen for some time.

for some months now i was so engaged in something that i lost my mind in it. it's scary. i'm glad it's over. the concentration is good, as i was able to really set my heart and mind into cultivating this "project". but it's very, very taxing, both physically and emotionally, and yes, financially too. i do take risk. i do jump into unknown things if i feel like it at that moment. i don't hesitate at times. i went into it with the expectation of failing. but what is life without failure? failure spurs us to move on. everyone is egoistic to some extend, you want to win.

some people move on fast as they get tired of one moment, one thing. i do that too. i lose interest in this "project" many times before, cos it failed me many times. i contemplated of dumping it totally before, cos it sucks up my energy. every time it failed me, i left it, then i'll go back to it again, but see it from a different perspective. it did looked a bit different. still, it's a risk to take.

ah, and this time it failed again. i think i'm giving it up for good.
i'd rather spend my time, energy and money on clothes and shoes.

some other idiots will go pick up the "project", i'm sure.
good luck to you.



reader k | 12/07/2005 11:39:00 AM | 1 comments

said sadly

when i say
"go, go, go. just go."
i meant to say
"stay, you idiot."

but that takes a lot of courage.
and i have none.
likewise when they asked you about me,
you can't say anything.

face it,
the ball was never in my court.
you were never that needy, just bored.


reader k | 12/07/2005 10:26:00 AM | 4 comments

free

for the longest time,
i looked into the mirror
and started scolding myself.
the morning long detour,
the night fetch,
the packed meals,
the stand-by on-calls,
the endurance of vulgarities,
the concern,
the worries,
the care,
the love.
all came free even without any purchase.

-----------------------------------------

suddenly i was so free.
i procrastinated work and read my book
over a cup of latte
and lots of narniaing

impromtu meetings:
SK at IKEA
Chloe at Cream Bristo and then we went shopping
Weiya briefly at Cream and christmas present from her
A and J at Cream (again) after their movie






reader k | 12/07/2005 12:11:00 AM | 0 comments
Tuesday, December 06, 2005

distractions starts now

i've always told my students to be focused,
don't get distracted by other things.
but i forgot to put a measurement to it.

how much focusing do we need?

now i need distractions.
to pull me away from some focus,
as i am losing myself in it.

london's grey sky
should be more comforting
than this island's scorching sun.
that shall be my distraction.
yah, that shall be.

j and cheryl revealed our christmas presents wrappers,
enticing us like a series ad.
i willingly get distracted.

after this morning,
i still feel the same,
but lighter,
more amused,
and perhaps i can sleep better now.

yeah! yeah!

tomorrow is facial and packing day.
blah.



reader k | 12/06/2005 02:42:00 PM | 2 comments

nothing's really lost because it was given


feelings lost are at times,
inevitable.
if it was to be found again,
refreshing.
All the past tense became new.

ironically amusing,
i cooked a meal today,
for 2 favourite persons in my life now.
the lost was found,
the found was lost.

j commented
"interesting,
you get two reactions"

for the one found,
i'm so glad.
you are always there,

securely.
firmly.
without doubt.

for the one lost,
the ball is in your court this time.

your promise of security didn't run true
and has expired.
i am always here.


all said and done
are but the effort one is willing to make,
sacrifices, sleepless nights, aching heart, long drive.
i made the choice,
and i was happy i did.

*was i really? ha! only you know.

you can go blank all you want,
i still care,

for amusment sake.


reader k | 12/06/2005 01:23:00 AM | 1 comments
Monday, December 05, 2005

sleep

just go to sleep.


reader k | 12/05/2005 01:27:00 AM | 0 comments
Sunday, December 04, 2005

for what is worth

i waited,
like you have waited for me, before.

please stop saying you miss me.
it has become so untrue.

they suck you dry of whatever left
for me to see.
thus
there is nothing left.

yet my patience still runs long.
idiot.


reader k | 12/04/2005 12:05:00 AM | 0 comments
Saturday, December 03, 2005

beautiful ver


reader k | 12/03/2005 11:22:00 PM | 4 comments

still looking

now found,
put an “X”
and say “you’re mine”.

how often can we be that committed
to someone,
in our whole life-time?

something special may happen,
we'd never know.
for now,
put it at auto-mode.

don't give me a chance
to feel insecure
about you.


--------------------------------------

resolutions for otherwise:
not found.






reader k | 12/03/2005 01:10:00 AM | 0 comments
Friday, December 02, 2005

titles not needed

(adapted)

i didn't doubt it
but it's just strangely hard to
believe.
then i saw you counting the days
of my absence-to-be,
made me want to cry.
it became so true,
so believable.

i do wonder what my presence meant to you.
you said you felt lighter,
unloading your complaints to me.
your heavy head,
tired eyes,
sore legs,
made me want to shout at them,
to leave you alone.
i wasn't annoyed at you,
i was annoyed at them.

i'd do so much for you,
i'd forget i'm only me.

reader k | 12/02/2005 02:17:00 AM | 0 comments
previous
About a certain dog named Kiki
the NEW year
i had a drama / dream
it's about time
non-friend's emotional whine
DNA and the Dizzy Spells
coming to closure
:(
Film Festival
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